Anniversary Update

A year has passed since Bob has left us. A few weeks after his passing I went to the cabin with my computer in hand so I could write. Writing the journal updates on the Caringbridge site always helped me express the turmoil of our journey with ALS and the resiliency which Bob and I developed in facing the many challenges while we continued to embrace life one moment at a time.

The cabin was quiet most of the day. Even the dog was quiet. I watched the last 1/3 of the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks for a diversion. His character said that he learned on the island that he can’t control anything, not even his suicide attempt and that he decided to just breathe until the tide brought him a sail. After he got back, his old life didn’t exist anymore and he mourned the loss of that life that might have been. Again he said he would just keep breathing and would watch to see what the tide brought in. It’s not easy, and I miss Bob terribly still, but I know he is in a far better place than this planet and is free of that broken body and in a place where he shared that he felt only euphoria.

Of course even though I am still not in control of anything, I used this past year not only to grieve, but also as a period of reflection, reassessment, rejuvenation, renewal and finally re-definition of who I am. Some days, I feel like I am really doing quite well and others have told me so while all of sudden I will be ambushed by a memory and feel like I am back to square one. I remember the lessons I learned like reaching out to friends and family. Staying genuine and being authentic as I process this profound experience while moving toward a future one day at a time has been a gift in groundedness that I treasure. Sometimes, I still struggle with my identity and sharing with others my status as widow is always tenuous as they want to know what happened. I share Bob’s story and worry that I am letting that define who I am. It is partly who I am, but Bob never let this disease define him and I feel strongly about that too while struggling to incorporate it into my personal history.

I have felt honored to participate in MDA and ALS Association events and fundraisers. I was able to share Bob’s story with many of the executives at the various MDA Lock-ins. Each person I spoke with was moved and I gave them a picture of Bob to keep. One man was so moved and shared with me that Lou Gehrig is his hero and he has a plaque with a statue of Lou Gehrig in his office. He said he was going to put Bob’s picture with Lou’s. I will spread awareness and raise funding for patient/caregiver support as well as research. I continue to attend the monthly ALS support group where I am now the voice of experience, a source of compassion and a beacon of hope for those caregivers.

At the end of June, I found I was very angry and yelling at God about how unfair it was that I no longer had Bob to go on dates with and do fun stuff together. I think after a couple of weekends, God answered my complaints and led me to call a company called Events and Adventures which is a singles-only social group. I have made many good friends while doing new things as well as the ability to do the old things, but in a new way. I even shared with many of you that I jumped out of plane which was something Bob said I should do someday. It was quite a metaphor and although I felt intimidated, I had an incredible feeling of elation from the experience.

I am grateful to Jim B. and Heinz V. for helping me get my boat back on the lake and give me a lesson in captaining. I am quite satisfied that I can pull it in and out of the lift quite easily. I feel a level of healing now when I go up north and because of that will continue to keep the cabin. The wine tastings at Jim’s and Steve & Kathy S’s barn had me enveloped in such kindness and friendship. All of the friends at Medtronic hold such a special place in my heart and I have enjoyed visiting for lunch especially while Kirsten was interning this summer.

Lord of Life Lutheran Church continues also to be a wonderful community of friends and support. My faith remains strong and when I stubble, it’s where I go to get grounded again. When I am strong, it’s what gives me a clear vision and strength to be a source of compassion and support for others struggling with illness or grieving a loss. I know that I am a beloved child of God’s and that he has plans to prosper me and surround me with goodness.

Kirsten is happy at the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities living on-campus while pursuing a rigorous degree in Bio-Medical Engineering. She says she wants to work on bio-medical devices just like her Dad. What can I say about what a wonderful daughter and amazing woman she is becoming. She has started coming home on weekends to work at Lifetime Fitness. It is so not a problem picking her up from campus on Friday afternoons. Her boyfriend, Andy also attends the U’s College of IT and he seems to make Kirsten happy and vice versa.

Kyle continues to be a renaissance man and reminds me of his father more every day in the way he carries himself. He participated in the Obama/Biden campaign this past fall and is quite adept talking about politics. Although school is still sometimes a struggle, he continues to be a dedicated student by getting to school every day and doing the homework necessary…sometimes it still doesn’t get turned in. Oh well, you can’t judge intelligence by grades alone. Kyle enjoyed deer hunting this past fall as well as rebuilding the bunkhouse this past summer at his Grandparent’s cabin with Grandpa. I am looking forward to his driving soon, although not the conflicts that will ensue when he and his sister want the car at the same time. Any advice you can offer will appreciated.

I just want to say how much I love Dad and Mom who have continued to be just a heartbeat away over the past year. The support they have given the kids and myself mean so much. I know they would say the same thing about me. Whatever happens, I would never want to disappoint them.

In the future, I will no longer be publishing a journal on Bob’s old Caringbridge site. If you are interested, I will post on Twitter.com under the pen name Tria1 and you “follow” me there.

Until then, may the Lord bless you and keep you my friend.